In every issue of this fine rag my hack team of wannabe journalists and I tackle some of the most laughable criminal acts that have recently happened in our area. Then - if we're doing our job - we write about those crimes in a way that makes you chuckle, or at the very least helps you find something better to do than bitch and moan about the weather. (It's obviously not helping.)
This week's column takes us to the Interwebs, where - much like real life - people can be stupid.
Enjoy. - Matt Driscoll
One of the beautiful and fascinating aspects of humanity is how individual people can react so differently to the exact same stimulus or situation. All of our brains are unique (like a snowflake, if you want to get cheesy) and we all see and maneuver through the world in our own special way. No two stupid humans are alike.
For instance, if I was the woman in the following story I would keep quiet, hide my no doubt substantial embarrassment and try to assimilate myself into society as best I could with the secret knowledge that I'm kind of a moron.
Taking a different route, she chose to announce her failures to the world, local TV and the Associated Press via lawsuit.
According to the AP story, Cheryl Gray, a 50-year-old woman from suburban Detroit is suing 35-year-old Wylie Iwan of Kennewick, Wash., "claiming misrepresentation, defamation of character and other charges." Gray claims she and Iwan struck up a hot romance on Facebook, specifically playing the game Mafia Wars.
In her lawsuit Gray is seeking $8,000 from Iwan, repayment for gifts she claims to have given him during their six-month courtship, including a digital camera and tickets to the Mariners' home opener. She says Iwan has paid for $300 of it so far.
A single mother, according to the AP story, Gray tells the local Detroit TV station WXYZ-TV that she and Iwan would spend as much as six hours a day "communicating online" during the hottest parts of their Internet tryst. Here at the Weekly Volcano Crime Desk we're not exactly sure what that much "communicating" implies, but we suspect it sometimes involves hand lotion.
Sending Gray over the edge, she tells reporters that after purchasing a plane ticket and planning a trip to rendezvous with Iwan, he told her he'd met someone else just a week before she was to leave. Gray also tells the media she felt humiliated by nasty comments Iwan later left about her on Facebook.
And, of course, there were the gifts. ...
It all added up to one pissed off suburban-Detroit single mom, scorned by a long-distance lover and the magic of Mafia Wars.
For his part, Iwan tells the Tri-City Herald it's a "completely frivolous lawsuit," and "(s)he's making it all out to be like I'm some kind of monster. I'm not. It was an online relationship. ... I did nothing wrong."
Except toy with the Cheryl Gray's heart. That was your first mistake. - Charles Woolery, Love Related Crime Correspondent