Whew. That was hard. It took me an extremely stressful three minutes to decide on what Emily Bikini’s title should be underneath her name. I was thinking it would be either: bikini model, actress, energy drink entrepreneur, reality show star, tortoise lover, or world record holder for wearing the pinkest 10-inch heels. I immediately disqualified “tortoise lover” because I really had no idea whether she’d ever seen a tortoise. A turtle maybe, but a tortoise I just couldn’t be certain. And, let’s be honest, the whole “pink 10-inch-heel world record holder” is bogus. Everyone knows the title belongs to that slut Hannah Montana.
The rest of it, of course, is 100 percent true. This Emily Bikini — originally from Puyallup, girl is unstoppable, and I fear she’ll one day take over the youth of our nation. “But how?” you might ask. I’ll tell you how: By being so damn smart, down-to-earth, and likeable. I wanted to hate her, I really did. But I couldn’t.
STEPH DEROSA: So, you big hotshot bikini-wearer, you have a reality show coming out. Tell me about it.
EMILY BIKINI: I’m not a “big hot shot.” I’m only five feet tall, hence the 10-inch-heels. But yes, I do have a reality show coming out on Bravo in November called Life in a Bikini.
DEROSA: What, do they follow you around doing? Putting on make-up?
BIKINI: You really are narrow-minded, aren’t you? I travel, I have appearances, signings, and interviews like this one.
DEROSA: What? You have other interviews? Are you cheating on this interview with another interview? How dare you!
BIKINI: No! I would never cheat on this interview! You are by far my favorite interview.
DEROSA: Hmmmmm, maybe you’re smarter than I was giving you credit for. I hear you also developed a line of energy drinks.
BIKINI: Yes, I did. They’re called “Bikini Sodas” and they have less sugar than the average energy drink, but still with tons of flavor.
DEROSA: Yeah, that may be so, but you have to admit they kind-of smell like a fart.
BIKINI: That’s not the drink. That was you. I heard you do it.
DEROSA: Fine. Like you never fart.
BIKINI: I don’t. And people may not believe it, but that’s my answer.
DEROSA: Yeah, right. And I suppose the next thing you’ll tell me is that every time Emily Bikini farts an angel gets their wings.