THE TACOMA URBANIST

Get a real rise out of friends and family this year with the Official Tacoma Urbanist Costume. Complete with omnipresent web presence and a finely poured latte from Amocat Café, the official Tacoma Urbanist Costume might scare the crap out of your co-workers, or it might just give you something to Facebook about - but either way it's a win-win. Fitted in designer jeans and shirts with large collars, the Tacoma Urbanist can be seen out and about in Tacoma, at any function worthy of a few snapped photos, or a few witty lines, or anywhere a "hipster" reference may be going unnoticed. When not helping people get divorced at his day job, the Tacoma Urbanist continually fights the good fight for Tacoma - making the Official Tacoma Urbanist Costume a sure bet this Halloween. - Matt Driscoll

THE GHOST OF THE LUZON

Few realize this, but every night when he closes his eyes Tacoma City Manager Eric Anderson is visited by a horrifying image - the Ghost of the Luzon Building. Since Anderson and Tacoma gave the go-ahead for the historic Luzon's demolition last year, the building's spirit has hung heavily over Tacoma, haunting the s*** out of those who did it wrong over the years. Legend says the Luzon's spirit won't be free until City Officials admit there mistake or downtown Tacoma becomes a bustling metropolis of economic activity ... whichever comes first.

Now you can get in on that horror by being the first on your block to own the Ghost of the Luzon Building Costume. Complete with signature tree growing out of the side, the official Ghost of the Luzon Building Costume will be a hot commodity with bloggers, chalk-artists, members of the Historic Preservation Society and the other 47 people in Tacoma who follow these sorts of things. - MD

PROCTOR AREA SHIRTLESS TAN GUY

Just like the old aftershave commercial always told us, confidence is indeed very sexy. And with women seeming to steal all the sexy fun when Halloween rolls around (what with their French maid costumes, or buxom nurse costumes, or Elisabeth Hasselbeck pre-frontal lobotomy costumes), it's high time the men out there got in on some of the sexy Halloween fun.

That's why we're excited to introduce the Proctor Area Shirtless Tan Guy costume this year. Consisting simply of a pair of faded cutoff shorts, white basketball shoes and faux gray beard, sharing a likeness with the Proctor area's rarely-shirted, always tan and hot legend is sure to be both cost effective and help your bottom line in the "luck" department come Halloween. Warning: The Proctor Area Shirtless Tan Guy Costume isn't for the weak; it takes a truly hot-blooded specimen to pull off no shirt in the Puget Sound area's fall and winter months. But the Proctor Area Shirtless Tan Guy does it, so why can't you?

No shirt may equal no service, but it also equals a whole lotta sexy. - MD

MEDICAL MARIJUANA PATIENT

Boo! It's a medical marijuana patient, sitting there in pain and/or without appetite - due to serious illness - trying to legally acquire the medical marijuana their doctor recommended!

If that's not enough to scare the bejeezus out of you, I don't know what is.

Apparently, though Mayor Marilyn Strickland and the Tacoma City Council did just agree to allow medical marijuana dispensaries in Tacoma to stay open until this spring, when hopefully the state legislature can clarify the garbage currently on the books, there are still plenty of Tacomans scared of medical marijuana patients. Racked with intolerable pain and other various degrees of suffering, all the Tacoma Medical Marijuana Patient wants is relief - and all our current laws wants to do is make life more difficult for them ... because there's nothing scarier than a dude with glaucoma being able to get a dime bag without hassle. It's like a Hitchcock movie waiting to happen. Am I right?

For couples, the Tacoma Medical Marijuana Patient Costume pairs nicely with both the Overzealous Battering Ram-Wielding Drug Enforcement Officer Costume and the Pothead Looking For Any Way to Further the Cause for Full-on Legalization Costume (especially if the pothead is actually pushing the medical marijuana patient in a wheelchair of some sort).- MD

TACOMA PARKING STATIONS

It pains me to admit this, but I, like so many innocent shoppers in downtown Tacoma, have been recently victimized. I'm a survivor, yes, but the memory of my ordeal is still painfully fresh. Where once I cherished the childlike joy of carefree lunching and window-shopping, now I hear only the remorseless ticking of a clock. Ask not for whom it tolls, fellow shopper, it tolls for thee. Ugly green monsters lurk on block after block, existing solely to confuse, rob and threaten any driver foolhardy enough to stop. I'm referring, of course, to the City of Tacoma's Parking Stations. No longer are we obliged to dig for change to buy temporary respite on the streets our taxes already paid for; now we have the convenient option of getting mugged via credit card. You think vampires are scary? Imagine the terror-stricken expressions on drivers' faces as you perch next to their freshly parked cars and refuse to accept dollar bills. - Christian Carvajal

SCRAP METAL COLLECTOR

Nothing brings home the freaky realities of Pierce County and Tacoma like the official Scrap Metal Collector costume, sure to be all the rage this year among Tacomans looking to put a real fright into South Sound friends and family. With one sleep-deprived eye always on the lookout for wayward pieces of discarded metal - old pipes, loose wire, broken down lawnmowers, washers and dryers and anything else that can be melted down and turned into meth money - scrap metal collectors are the vampires of Pierce County, slowly trolling in beaten-up pickup trucks through our neighborhoods and grabbing anything metallic that's not tied down, fueling the scrap metal economy with their bloodsucking ways (which is ironic, since scrap metal collectors rarely have teeth).

Signature features of the official Scrap Metal Collector Costume include yellow cigarette fingers, Norv Turner-sized pockmarks, possible GED, abundant energy and an affinity for Monster Energy Drink. - MD

"CONSTRUCTION AHEAD" SIGN

Oh no. What's that sign say up there? Construction ahead, merge right? Left three lanes closed? You've got to be fucking kidding me. I'm already 20 minutes late for my girlfriend's candle party. She's going to eat me alive. And now this red Accord won't give me an inch. I'm trying to get over, buddy. Jesus. I'm dead.

Yes, a deep, scarring presence has gripped the South Sound in recent months. No, it's not the Rev's barbershop quartet/ indie string band project (although this is more melodious). It's the construction gripping our humble stretch of I-5.

From Olympia to Fife, a nightly barrage of seemingly pointless road improvements have harassed I-5 commuters. Lane closures. Two-hour delays. Not to mention traffic near the base, which, according to a story in The Olympian, has increased commute times as much as 100 percent. What could be scarier than a bright orange sign telling you to merge right this Halloween? Well, if the construction lasts past the end of the month, you'll surely find out.  - Brett Cihon

PRODUCTS OF ISRAEL

If there's one thing the good lefties of Olympia agree on, it's the urgent need for peace in the Middle East. When drum circles inexplicably fell short of achieving this laudable goal, the Olympia Food Co-op went hardcore, mandating a boycott of Israeli products. And really, what monster costume could ever symbolize the horrors of West Bank injustice more than a packet of gluten-free crackers from Tel Aviv? Imagine the gut-wrenching shrieks that'll ring out as you stroll down Fourth Avenue dressed as a heartless Israeli ice cream cone. Or a tube of moisturizer! Holy shit, can you believe Zionist skin cream was once freely distributed in a liberal Washington grocery store, thereby murdering thousands of Palestinian children? Thankfully, now that such abominations as couscous and hummus have been banished from the Co-op, no Palestinian will ever be oppressed again. - CC

THE PEOPLE OF SHELTON

"The foulest stench is in the air," Vincent Price once intoned, an obvious reference to the Wally World superstore in Shelton. The risk of dressing as a Sheltonite is that someone might take your picture and post it cruelly on Facebook, thus demolishing your last, infinitesimal hope of a sex life. "But wait," you say, "my cousin lives in Shelton, and he's pretty cool." Is he? Is he really? Does he know all the lyrics to "Hillbilly Bone"? Or are you basing your assessment solely on his ability to get a table quickly at Roosters? I know there are exceptions to every rule, and yes, there are college-educated people in Shelton - well, Associate's Degrees, anyway - but let's face it, those outliers probably claim they're from Union or "(mumble) near the Sound." But if dignity isn't high on your list of priorities, then throw on some Carhartts and a John Deere cap and get ready to boot-scootin' boogie. - CC

JEFF KINGSBURY: CONFIDENTIAL INFORMENT

Are you in a position of influence? A professional? Got a stash of pot? Occasionally hook your friends up by selling from your stash? WATCH OUT. This year's hottest costume is going to narc on you as surely as the stoplight proposal in next week's city council agenda in Olympia will pass. Rejecting perennial costume favorites like Doug Mah (Olympia's Mayor) and Jeannine Roe (resident council hottie), the kiddies all want to dress like ex-Olympia City Councilman Jeff Kingsbury. Kingsbury sprang into Olympia's good graces early this year when he exposed then-current city councilman Joe Hyer for selling marijuana. Although the two were friends, Kingsbury took it upon himself to incriminate Hyer, saying later in a statement to The Olympian he would do so again. Halloweeners wearing the Confidential Informant Costume should don blonde hair, eccentric attire and an impeccable nose for the (mildly) illegal. - BC

THE MAN

Most folks enjoy Halloween as a welcome excuse to dress like sugary food items, beloved movie characters or harlots. Oh, but then there are those who crave nothing more than to scare the ever-lovin' bejeezus out of us. In Olympia, there's no better way to send well-meaning lefties screaming into the night than to dress as The Man. This is one outfit that doesn't require too much effort; even multiculti, feminist liberals of long standing have been mistakenly fingered as racially-profiling members of the Patriarchy. All that's required is to throw on some khaki slacks and a Polo shirt, cruise around in a four-door sedan with no rainbow or Coexist stickers and scoff loudly at the work of either Pablo Neruda or Naomi Wolf. Bonus points for awkward use of the words "tranny," "retarded" or "blaccent." For the horrifying pièce de résistance, claim support for Dino Rossi. - CC