In every issue of this fine rag my hack team of wannabe journalists and I tackle some of the most laughable criminal acts that have recently happened in our area. Then - if we're doing our job - we write about those crimes in a way that makes you chuckle, or at the very least gives you something better to do than plan your coming #OccupyTheCouch sit-in this weekend.

It's not the most important job, but someone has to do it. At the Weekly Volcano Crime Desk, along with mourning the untimely demise of Qwickster, it's our life's work.

Enjoy. - Matt Driscoll

Thankfully, the United States Constitution guarantees all of us the right to bear arms. This aint no commie pinko republic, after all.

Although it's often unspoken, this fact means the Constitution also guarantees us the right to accidently shoot ourselves in the abdomen.

It's less sexy, sure, but it's no less important.

At least to this installment of Ragnet.

According to reports published in The Olympian, police in Lacey say a 21-year-old man dialed 911 on the evening of Sunday, Oct. 4, to report that, after arriving home, he'd encountered an unidentified intruder in his apartment in the 5000 block of College Street. The action went down around 7:30 p.m. The man reported confronting the "intruder" in an effort to defend his home.

Unfortunately for the caller, he also reported being shot in the abdomen by his own gun during the ensuing struggle - the main reason for his 911 call. The victim was taken to Providence St. Peter Hospital, and after being treated and released was reported to be working with authorities to piece together exactly what happened.

The initial account of the story in The Olympian, quoting Lacey Police Lt. Phil Comstock, revealed the victim first told authorities that, after getting into a physical altercation with the alleged suspect, he retreated to his bedroom to fetch his trusty firearm. But it didn't go as planned. The altercation escalated and at some point the gun was turned in the man's direction and one shot was fired into the side of his abdomen.

Naturally, the victim described the intruder as a man wearing dark clothing, including a ski mask and gloves. No word on whether police initially suspected Bode Miller.

However, a day later things changed.

The Olympian reports that after encountering "inconsistencies in evidence," authorities were inspired to further investigate the victim's story. Lacey police say forensic details, including trajectory angles and gunshot residue, led them to believe something was amiss with the man's story. Off the record, CNN's Nancy Grace has called the man's story, "A miscarriage of good sense." (Or something. We also hear Grace farted on Dancing with the Stars.)

The important thing is police were correct to be suspicious. Less than 48 hours after the reported "break-in," the "victim" admitted to police that there was never any intruder. He admitted that he'd made the entire story up after accidently shooting himself.

One word: Embarrassing.

In a follow up story in The Olympian, Lt. Comstock said the self-inflicted shooting victim has not been arrested for providing false information, but detectives haven't yet decided whether to forward the information to the city attorney for review. - Blaxico Purress, Self-Inflicted Gunshot Crime Correspondent